Grief

I have not posted a new blog in a couple of months, though I have been busy with my work as well as my personal life. Mom passed away suddenly and it has rocked my world.

Back in May, I felt this urgency to go see mom in Germany. I spent most of July there. The distance has always been hard since I moved to the US some 20 years ago. After caring for dad and grandma until they passed, mom was left alone in the big house and it seemed like a light had gone out. She was physically healthy but could not walk well for unknown reasons. Well, I believe I figured out the reason after going through her medical records, and even though her doctors insisted there was none, I believe that a fall that ended with a traumatic brain injury contributed greatly to it.  She isolated herself more and more, even from family. A year ago, I spent a month with her, went to the doctors, helped with disability applications and cleaning around the house.  I did the same in July of this year. She had accepted professional help to come in once a week, and I felt good and planned to come back in 3-6 months. Then, at the end of August, she broke her hip, was admitted to the hospital, contracted pneumonia in both lungs and passed quickly.

Mom and I didn’t have a close emotional connection. She was very young when she had children and was a partner to my dad who built a few businesses throughout his life. She was very involved. We didn’t always come first as children. But family still was important. These links cannot be broken, and that was instilled in me. My family was certainly caring and always there when needed. And I love them very much.

Death Sucks!

When I got the news at 7am in the morning on September 8th, my first reaction was to throw up. I hadn’t smoked in a while, but I lit up right away. Then, I fell into that hectic nervous activity and literally went around in circles. The next day, getting up was really hard. I stood under the shower, completely disoriented and I felt very weak, so I turned my shower into an early morning salt bath which calmed me a little bit. I kept having flashbacks about my life with my mom. On Wednesday, the third day, I broke into tears every few minutes all day long. At the end of that day, I felt okay, empty, stoic, a little more grounded. I think the news sank in then. Mom is really gone.

Those first three days were intense. Since then, I have been trying to stay grounded and centered, but still allowing for emotions, memories, and flashbacks to come up. It’s mom, so, regardless of how long ago we were intimately involved in each others’ life, it still feels like a fundamental part of my life is gone, and I question my identity. Every day is like a brand-new chapter. I have stood in my own way of change and progress because I was afraid of it. Now, there is no way around this. It happened and this loss exists and demands to be dealt with. Deep down, I know nothing is going to be as it was because this person is gone. All of a sudden, even though I have taken care of myself and determined my life path on my own for a very long time, it feels like I’m missing this safety net, the place one can always go to when in need. It has just been wiped out.

I moved away to go to school when I was 18. I lived 5 hours away from home, worked on my career, got engaged, and then re-located to the US, broke off my engagement, met my husband here in the US instead and settled with him and raised my daughter. And still, even though my mom hasn’t actually given me advice for many years, even though I raised my daughter in a successful way, at least in my opinion, I still feel lost at times. Alone and separated.

Grief

Grief isolates from society, as in our Western culture, we push death so far away, as if we don’t need to experience it as long as we just ignore it hard enough, but it is as inevitable as birth. It is part of life. Due to this attitude of not acknowledging death, we are often struck in shock when it does happen to our loved ones, and we don’t know what to do, or how to begin to process what is happening. Grief hits hard.

From my work as an End-of-Life Practitioner and volunteering with hospice care, as well as my own spiritual journey, I don’t believe death is the end. I believe our soul existed before we were born, and when we transition, we go back to the source from which we came. Our higher self is the part of the soul that remains with the source throughout our life, and it is a great practice to connect with it through techniques such as meditation as it will guide us to a deeper understanding about all of this, life, death, good times and hard times will become clearer and make more sense if we only allow ourselves to connect with our own soul. The meaning of life comes up when we lose someone. Why all this? To end up alone in the end? It’s not that simple. I believe life is a series of lessons for us to grow and learn, and we benefit from progress of our understanding even after we transition to the other realm, back to the source.

I do believe that we need to let it happen as it wants to unfold. We need to face our sadness, face our fears, and also let feelings of anger, frustration, or resentment play out. It’s all valid. I don’t believe we have to put the ones who passed on a pedestal all the time. They were humans like us, they made mistakes just like we do. They caused hard feelings, maybe even suffering, and it’s okay to feel that as well.

There may be regret here, because now, the opportunity to resolve anything is gone. But is it? Doing what I do, I believe that now mom sees me. Now she understands how I feel, and when I have thoughts or speak my truth out loud, I feel heard. Just like that. It’s just a different kind of dealing with all of it. Guilt is another big emotion that overwhelmed me right away. I didn’t do enough, I wasn’t there for her. Could I have done anything more for her. Was I a good daughter? It’s easy to get down into a spiral with those kinds of thoughts. It helps me to visualize her and speak out loud to her about what I feel, even the issues that we had in life. Again, I strongly believe, she can hear and see me now, so speaking my truth, and trying to understand where she was coming from, are essential to put things into perspective for me, and to be able to let go of. I have done this in the past, when I became an adult and then a mother and came to terms with the fact that there are no perfect parents, but now it is different, deeper. More stuff comes up. Forgiveness is so powerful when we deal with passed loved ones. Regardless of what happened before this moment, we are allowed and encouraged to forgive ourselves and others in order to move on. So, facing emotions, reflecting on them is the only way to shift our perception and come to closure. Easy! Well…, we may struggle with all these steps, especially when emotions run deep or have been buried for a long time. It’s absolutely okay not to rush through the process but instead keep focus on it and don’t push it away or compartmentalize it. It’s okay to grieve as long as it takes.

Time Heals?

It’s been almost a month now and I have all these memories come up to remind me and feel her absence. She used to call me at 10pm her time every day when she went to bed. It would be 3pm my time, and in the last 4 weeks, I listened to her voicemails when 3pm came around to hear her voice. And then I just get hit with memories and thoughts of her, recalling the fact for me that she isn’t here any longer.

When I get up in the morning and go about my day, nothing’s different, but the absence of this one person in my life – however close we were or how often we spoke with each other – my personal reality has changed drastically. It has thrown me out of my comfort zone and I must find my footing again.

Naturally, it is different when grief affects ourselves. I have co-facilitated grief groups, and I get the pain of the participants and that is difficult to observe, but there is no comparison to the situation when we are going through it ourselves.

Imagine for a second how you would speak to a person who is in mourning, and then compare that to your own situation, how do you speak to yourself? My advice to everyone who is going through grief or has gone through it in the past and to myself is to be gentle with yourself. Don’t push or rush. Don’t try to force the process along. You will come to the end of the tunnel when you’re ready, and that is the only good way to do this.

Death is Sacred!

Treat it with respect, patience, and love, for your loved,  yourself, and everyone affected.

I write down everything that comes up, all my emotions and thoughts. Keeping a journal is a tremendous help during these sad days. And I continue to go through the process and continue to grief. Every time I go for a walk and calm my mind, memories find me and I have shed a few tears in the park.

Meditating helps as well, and I am creating a meditation video that deals with connecting to the higher self, and invites you to deal with difficult emotions around any kind of grief as well as forgiveness. Check back soon for it.